


Me For You

by Fatiha



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Markyong, Sweet Thing, minor ships, pretty confusing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2020-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-19 09:03:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20654654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fatiha/pseuds/Fatiha
Summary: In between Mark gets to know the life that was designed for him he also finds the one his life chose for him.





	1. Wondering

**Author's Note:**

> So Its been months and Im back with some other story of mine and guess what Im gonna stay for long again as I'll be adding many things here as I adore the story ( as I adore the people in it and the pairing Im writing about ) and I want to make it something better.
> 
> Also please excuse the language mistakes here and there and please please stay with this story till it ends. Love you for checking it out.

The country was pretty in a word. Maybe more than pretty, some different kind of pretty which was never known to him. Though the lowered glass of the silent car the roads looked like as if they were greeting you without even knowing you, the passing green sights looked warm and decent, the breeze was kissing his cheeks like he was someone special.

  
He closed his eyes feeling the breeze, carefully placing his head by the lowered glass and taking in the scent which smelled new like everything else. In a line everything was warm and pretty but way too known for him. And when it started to tell him - hey ! we will be with you from now on - this is the place you belong to - the silent car stopped and the silence broke with the person who introduced himself as a casting staff before the ride.

  
"Time to get up and get in. We are here." The person tried his best to give the boy a warm smile, as if in a smile he was trying to say the same thing, this was the place he belonged to.   
"Im ... coming."  
He replied in his 'I havent been practicing Korean in a while' tune, he did not care as long as they understood him and he understood them. Not like he was not going to learn, this was the very beginning. And on that thought soon he found himself walking by a huge lobby which kind of looked like a movie.  
  
"We will get our papers from here then we can move into our dorm. Its Christmas break, you dont have to attend the practice anytime soon." 

  
He only noticed the word Christmas boldly, making him realize once again that miles away from home he would be spending his Christmas alone with some people he never knew, without the people he knew. He sighed at the thought once again as he found himself nodding at the staff's word, passing the posters of some artists he never clearly heard off. He was inside his head all the time by when the person with him got his papers and signed him up. Dear small him of 14 years, congratulations on your new life.

  
"We would have someone to take us to the dorms. Im sure he would cheer you up a little." The person smiled the same smile again, and the boy only got the part of someone coming to take them. Then the one who was coming to take them was someone way different from the someone he imagined.  
  
That someone had nicer hair than anyone there, had a smile which was one of the most genuine ones he had ever seen. He was taller than everyone present at the area, he looked better than anyone present at the area.

  
"So here is my brother coming in from the other side of the world ? Its very nice to meet you." The male bowed a little towards him with the same smile on as he used a perfect American accent, making the boy get surprised a little inside.

  
"Mark Lee." He gave him a hand without thinking much, returning the smile of course. "Pleasure to meet you too." 

  
"Good to have you here, Shall we begin ?"

  
He playfully smiled this time, asking the staff who was with him something in korean which 'looked like' he wanted to take Mark all by himself. He was right, soon he was walking beside the taller male towards a decent looking living structure behind the huge building he went to.

  
"So, Mark, is this your first time in Korea ? As far as I know your parents are both Korean so you must've come here before right?"

  
"Well .... actually no. I did not even had the idea of getting casted here in the global audition." He replied with a lower tune, English never felt so good and so known.

  
"I see. You do know this right that Korea's biggest media company selected you ?" The male giggled a little, sounding a little bit of cute now. Mark nodded with a way smaller giggle just when the reached the building.

  
And it was more decent than he thought. Some nice looking courtyards, some nice looking balconies above, some nice looking people wondering around. Mark admired the view, maybe he was a little too into the sight so he did not notice someone coming to bump onto him. The next thing was - he was laying on the ground.

  
"Dont you have eyes !" The person possibly guilty for the bump screamed out in authentic korean accent, looking at him with his honey coloured skin glowing with sweat, he must be worked out.

  
"That was all your fault Lee Donghyuck !" The taller male screamed back in the same Korean accent, wow he was talented.

  
"Thats not how we greet our new trainees. Apologize to Mark right now."

  
The honey coloured skin, who Mark presumed as Lee Donghyuck, laughed instead, "What kind of name is Mark ? Is he from Antarctica ?"

  
"Im from Canada." Mark managed to reply, brushing off the dust from his jacket. And then some thing unexpected happen, the weird looking honey coloured skin kid helped him to get up and brushed his jacket for him.

  
"Be careful from the next time Mark ssi. And if you ever get in any trouble - ask out for me okay ?" The honey coloured male looked like he winked at him once as they got up and he ran out for someone else of his size, what an entry. But maybe it was just the beginning again.

  
The Taller male took him to a cozy living area starting with a small living area where there was this short male cleaning the glass, he never spoke and ended it with a warm smile which made Mark smile back. Then he was introduced to his bed, the taller male mentioning all the living rules before he was about to leave.

  
"So let me see you later Mark ? If you need anything you can have my number from your roommates okay ?"

  
He slightly ruffled his hair, and just when he left Mark realized he never asked the male's name. But a chance came out soon as the short male who waved him a smile earlier entered the bedroom and looked like to have the upper bunk above him.

  
"Umm .... hello ?" Mark was sure he was all red and in return the short male gave him another smile, he had the prettiest eye smile he ever saw.

  
"Im ... Mark. Im a new trainee and ... you see I may ask some ... some ... questions."

  
"What do you want to know Mark ssi ?" The boy had a pretty voice which suited perfectly with his pretty eye smile. Mark adored him if he would be very honest.

  
"Who was the staff who brought me here ? You saw him with ... me right ?"

  
The male with the pretty eye smile took some seconds to get it as it seemed, because Mark was in a wrong thought and he corrected that for him in the next minute.  
  
"He was not a staff. He is a trainee here as well and his name is John. We call him Johnny appa." The boy giggled as he sat across the room, he giggled sounded pretty as well. It made Mark giggle with him.

  
"Do we have a mom here as well ?"

  
"Yes you do. And I think Jeno-ah was about to talk about the mom."

  
Some voice coming from the room entrance caught their attention as they looked up to the voice owner, and Mark thought he was some kind of anime character because the male was perfect in every single way. He was soft looking brown locks, big doe eyes and a smile which made him doubt on that short male's smile. Mark obviously looked stupid among these so damn good looking koreans.

  
"I came up to see if our new trainee is doing well, if Johnny did his duty perfectly." 

  
Mark gulped, he did not know why. The short male decided to answer for him, maybe he already guessed Mark's language problem.  
  
"Mark is okay, hyung. Maybe he needs some more time. Dont worry, you still have your practice left right ?"

  
The perfect looking male ( Mark needed to know and memorize all their names badly ) nodded a little, looking down at Mark again.  
"Im here to ensure Mark is alright. Im the mom I need to know everything right ? Im Lee Taeyong by the way."

  
Mark managed to nod, someone said he needed to bow when some Korean will introduce themselves but it seemed too awkward to him. Also there were words like ssi, people already used that on him, hyung, who were the hyungs ? 

  
"Hey hey ! He is gone ....." The short male, whom Mark remembered as Jeno, walked upto him and sat beside him cross legged, having that eye smile again. 

  
"Hyung, welcome here and Im sorry its nothing special. I heard you've come from some other country and you must be feeling so lonely but trust me youre gonna love us !"

  
Mark didnt expect that coming. But it was good.  
  


  
  
Life was not like he thought it to be, well he was mostly wrong about it as life was better than he thought it to be and one thing he was right about was that he belonged there. In blank eye it may seemed tiring. Hours of practices, never ending days, people with the same dream of coming out on stage. But there were some reasons to feel blessed about too and Mark liked to focus on them only.  
  
One of those reasons were Johnny if he mentions sometime, maybe because of him Mark dared to stay and try. One was that honey coloured male named Donghyuck who was his present best friend and Mark never knew when it happened, but he loved the boy and life was 200 times more enjoyable because of him. Some were people like his roommates Jeno and Jaemin, One of those super loving hyungs named Dongyoung ( He finally leaned their names and the use of the word Hyung, well he couldnt believe he was a Hyung to some ), This one male who had parallel lives with him named Jaehyun.  
  
One was that perfect guy who introduced himself as Lee Taeyong.  
  
Mark never imagined that perfect looking soft voiced guy would turn out as one of the most talented and most known trainees of their company, he couldnt believed it when Jaemin said he was "The Lee Taeyong." Well it was true, as their was this rumor that their company had big plans on him and he was gonna debut at the next group they come up with. And Mark believed it all when he saw him transforming with mic, him rapping like someone widely experienced or him dancing like he was born to dance.  
  
But this The Lee Taeyong was close to him for some never knowing reasons.  
  
Well if he was being specific he was training with Taeyong's squad most of the time he didnt know why but that was not the reason. He was often seen inside the studio because he liked to produce his own raps and Taeyong often kept him company that was not the reason as well. Maybe Mark will never know why he was way too comfortable with Taeyong, and he could feel Taeyong was too, and that was the possible reason.  
  
"Hey there pretty boy .. lost in your thoughts ?  
  
Jaemin showed himself out of nowhere and sat on the cold practice hall floor beside him, leaning by the mirror just like him. He was clearly earlier than usual and he was the second one to their morning session, the others nowhere to be seen,  
  
"I saw you with The Lee Taeyong down at the cafe last evening. Plans to get into the old people group and leave us behind ?"  
  
"Jaem its not like that. He wanted some of my lyrics." Mark was proud of him improving his language skills. Nevermind.  
  
"You better watch out hyung, I never trust these famous people. They get you then leave you then get you again.  
  
Mark nodded so Jaemin changed the topic into some other weird things he did with Jeno, he would never understand how the two were so damn close. Maybe it was nice to have someone that close to you, maybe he would never get one as even if Mark had super close friends - he always kept a distance and thats why he cant compare himself and Donghyuck to Jaemin and Jeno.  
  
"This one pretty chinese male came in -"  
  
"HELLO PEOPLE WHAT A LOVELY DAY !"   
  
Donghyuck never lowing voice echoed inside the hall as he showed himself up as the 3rd one there, unusual as Donghyuck was usually the last one and scolded by the hyungs.  
Mark replied in the light but tight hug Donghyuck offered as he reached them.  
  
"Feel good that I came before the hyungs. Where are they ?"  
  
"Taeyong hyung wont be coming here today. He has a meeting with a producer."  
  
Donghyuck and Jaemin gave Mark a "how do you know this" look but but he insisted that it was because he met Taeyong last evening. Jaemin ensured that.  
  
Moral of the story was he he close to someone he wasnt expected to be close with. It was unusual and he was even unusually okay with that. And as sometimes when you think about a specific person they might show up and proving that Taeyong walked inside and anyone could guess who was he approaching to.  
  
"I have to wait for another hour before the meeting, mind if I take you somewhere ? Its still early and I'll bring you back within half an hour."  
  
Mark gulped in response but he didnt notice it. And as he didnt actually responded Donghyuck came inside the conversation which seemed to ignore the other two alive in the room.  
  
"But Mark needs to get here ri .... "  
  
"I'll go with you."   
  
Mark gulped once again and this time knowing. Once again, he didnt know why he 'did not dislike' to spend times with this specific person and at the same time he was so intimidated by him. He was somehow special and he never knew why. He never knew anything about his growing relationship with this person who was not seen actually close with anyone else.   
  
Maybe it was like Taeyong adored him as an younger ? But at the same time Mark could recall their conversations and he talked as if Mark was Johnny or that Japanese trainee he is friends with who just joined. Mark was still too new to make himself used to, Mark was still too young to take decisions on someone there. But Taeyong was nice and warm, maybe it was anything but wrong.  
  
"Hey why do you always zone out ?" Taeyong asked him as they were walking by the hallways beside the dance halls, maybe towards the studios the younger guessed, that was the place him and Taeyong mostly went to together.  
  
"Anyway. I have this track ready and I wanna show it to you. Its on the lyrics you gave my last evening."  
  
The older pushed in the door for him, it indeed was the studio and there Mark was surprised with Taeyong coming up with a track within one night. He could guess the male stayed up till late. He could guess it was gonna be epic even though he never heard any of his tracks.  
  
"You're lyrics are so damn genuine as it relates to you leaving your loved ones behind. I usually do rough ones but I made this calm." Taeyong looked up at him when they sat on some chairs their and smiled.  
  
"Excuse my vocals..."  
  
"Its gonna be okay, hyung." And Taeyong played the thing. And the thing was more than something beautiful.  
  
The tune blended with the lyrics perfectly and Taeyong's voice melted inside it, making the lyrics clear and quite. He could not believe Taeyong, their company's upcoming rapper icon, could have such beautiful vocals and feels. Mark was stuck in the moment.  
  
Maybe thats why he did not notice when tears started coming down by his pale cheeks, as the song made the thing he wrote about him leaving it all behind way too meaningful for him to stay calm. He even did not notice when Taeyong silently reached for him having him inside his arms, he noticed it when Taeyong's strawberry like smell made him notice it all. But Mark did not break the moment, instead he wrapped his arms around the older taking in his scent properly.  
  
"I dont know how hard it is for you as I never had this situation in my life, but I do know how you feel. And how to keep it inside." Taeyong looked down on him, wiping his tears.  
  
"I dont know how to do this Mark, but I really want to be your family here. I want to be your home. I want to be someone you can open up to, you can come to. I dont know why you mean so much to me within some days but I really want to do this. Will you let me do this ?"  
  
The older sat on his knees in front of him, Mark did not know how to respond again. How could someone be so angelic like Taeyong ? He was so caring for everyone else out their and here he was saying some words Mark never expected. How would he respond to that ? Did he actually deserve someone like this ?  
  
Mark ended up wrapping his arms around Taeyong once again and this time he did it with knowing.  
  
Life was better, maybe.


	2. Starting

The view in front of him started to glow as evening came to start the night. Streets looking like invisible crystals, people looking like dots, and maybe he looked dumb as he always looks. Let's not go in his looks though, if he could recall the week was way too tiring. Why not ? Training to be in a rookie team which presented many and many of those artists who ruled the stages was something not so easy to achieve. He remembered Taeil said, you never know how far you'd have to go for your life. Mark smiled a little at the thought, maybe he was not so interested in his life. He needed to be.  
  
Mark carefully sighed as if Taeil was there asking him what happened why he was so upset, well he was alone there and he cherished every moment he could spend with himself as he barely found himself alone. It'd be a little easier if the creature named Lee Donghyuck didnt exist. Someone he wondered why this sunshine like precious person was with him all the time.  
  
Speaking of him Mark remembered some others who were always with him and who shouldnt be with him, he smiled at the thoughts of them and that was the exact moment when Johnny called him.  
  
"Dude are you planning to suicide or something ?" Mark could feel the male walking inside the terrace area to ruin his lonely moments, not that he mind. It's been more than an year but still Johnny was always talking in English.  
  
"Maybe. I dont think I can keep with you super talented people anymore."  
  
"Dont say that. If you say that now what will you do when I'll give you this news ?"  
  
Mark looked up at the male with larger eyes, he guessed what news Johnny had but at the same time it was not possible. He wanted it to happen badly for a while but now when it was seeming so close Mark suddenly couldn't believe it.  
  
"I would call you but you see its good giving you this news in -"   
  
"LEE MARK WE ARE IN SRB15 !" Mark would never know why it was always Donghyuck cutting other off but the main concern then was what he said, Donghyuck was visible along with some others he couldnt recognize, not only because it was getting dark but also Donghyuck embraced him with a super tight hold that he wasnt feeling anything anymore.   
  
Well he really wasnt feeling anything anymore. The long awaited news was finally there, he was in a rookie team which presented many and many of those artists who ruled the stages. Mark expected the news along with the others so badly, and it happened, Donghyuck was looking so happy.  
  
"All of us ?" Mark managed to ask carefully as he did not want to leave anyone of them behind.  
  
"If you mean all of us by all of us .... then it is all of us." So Donghyuck like reply, and Mark smiled back the reply. Finally, finally he could breathe in peace.  
  
"Okay so Donghyuck took my chance to give you the news. But its all good in the end isnt it ?"   
  
Mark nodded at the older male present there, still having Donghyuck clinging onto him and others around them he recognized them by then. And that was when he noticed his life was gonna change in a better way with all of the tiring days coming in his life.  
  
But if Mark was asked how was the life having the hopes of debuting in a team full of talents he would say it was anything except tiring though. After that very evening his life changed and in the best way if it was him describing it. It was because they all had a purpose, they all had a purpose of dreaming of doing something they were meant to do. The days went by quicker than ever with all those training and with all those moments of growing up, Mark never knew when he was so grown up that he started having feelings about his life.  
  
That was a very sudden change.  
  
He grew up into someone he never imagined of. He found himself loving it all and finally preparing himself for his life. And throughout it all again, Taeyong helped him.   
  
Taeyong kept his words if Mark would admit. After that very night in that cold studio an year ago Taeyong had been closer and closer. From outside it was some older hyung taking care of his younger but in the inside it was them having them in a way no one could get, not even them. Taeyong was someone he, The Mark Lee who always kept distances with people opened upto, cried onto, and Taeyong did the same like there was not any age difference.  
  
Mark could say Taeyong was the reason he kept on going and admired himself growing up. He could remember after the official announcement of SRB15 Taeyong cried onto him grabbing his hands as he was so happy, so happy to see his hardwork paying off and Mark kept on saying - it was just the beginning.  
  
"Sometimes I think you were sent as a gift from somewhere to have me ....." Taeyong said one day, after a very long day of practice when Mark was supposed to have his lone times.  
  
"You see Mark I've told you many times I dont know why you're so special to me. But maybe I know by now ..." He said looking at a sleepy faced Mark beside him, "Its because no matter how many I had, no matter how people knew me, in real I only have you. With me, always."   
  
And the sleepy faced Mark rested his shoulder onto the other's like it was so natural, closed his eyes with the feeling of having someone.  
He never explained how much Taeyong meant to him.  
  


  
  
  
Mark never knew why, why he was someone treated differently by the management when there were people more talented than him in the team, when he was no one but someone who could work harder than the others. From the very beginning of all of it he could feel it. He was treated with more responsibilities, with more facilities. But he did not care he was okay as long as the others were with him.  
  
They all were the world for him and Mark could never explain it all properly. Sometimes Yuta or Taeil addressed it but of course not someone younger like him. He was okay and not okay with it at the same time.  
  
Mark entered the silent dorm living before anyone else did as he left earlier that due to access tiredness from not taking a break for the last 2 weeks, Taeyong made him leave for some rest as he looked paler. He walked inside the bedroom not expecting anyone to be there but he met a wet faced Jeno returning from the bathroom, giving him his trademark eye smile.  
  
"What is Jeno Lee doing here at this hour ? Tired like me ?" Mark Sat on his lower bank, keeping some space for Jeno to get inside. Cold January days, light cuddles were nice to have even if he was Mark.  
  
"Nothing, hyung. Im kind of sleepy so I made this innocent face and left." Jeno followed him on his bed and leaned by him, "Would I have to be special like you if I wanna have some break ?"  
  
Mark giggled a little at Jeno bringing up the special topic, he was just like them, yet the management, having meetings and all with him made him look different.  
  
"I can imagine you being one of the best idols our company had. You being the best rapper ever and we cheering for you ..."  
  
"If I even be on stage you're gonna be with me, so lets leave the cheering plan hmm ?"  
  
"No, hyung. You're gonna be someone special. You'll see." He paused for a second, then looked upto him leaning back a little, "Im gonna miss you then."  
  
"Hey shut up ..." Mark had really nothing to say, "Im never gonna leave you."  
  
Jeno paused in the moment for some more seconds and straightened properly, Mark was known to this gesture of him being a little serious.  
  
"What if I say something this disgusting that you leave me right in this moment ?"   
  
Mark looked down at him with a questioning look, only to receive a small eye smile from the boy. Was that even possible for him to dislike Jeno for some reason ? He was literally the one Mark adored the most in his current world ?  
  
"Hyung ..." Jeno spoke in a rather softer voice, "I know its wrong. I ... I like Jaemin."  
  
"Okay whats wrong with that ?"  
  
Jeno smiled again, he looked so innocent that Mark wanted to keep him inside his arms and just then he realized what Jeno was trying to say. They, more like he was enough mature in almost 16 years to understand what he meant, and why he was assuming that it was wrong.   
  
"Dont tell anyone okay ? I dont want to cause any problem ..." The younger's voice broke  
Such words from someone looking so innocent, someone only 15 knowing about his feelings and if Mark could understand the feelings were the purest ones. He could see in front of his eyes how much Jeno liked to be with Jaemin, being the best friends, the best partners they had in their small group of rookies. It was wrong in normal eyes yes, more than that they could not afford loving someone choosing this life - but somewhere it was very right, something that was meant to be.  
  
Mark embraced Jeno once again after a light nod ensuring that this was gonna end there. He never felt so upset on something after coming there.  
  
"Can I come in ?"  
  
Taeyong's warm voice coming from the hallway got them out of the situation as Jeno gently leaned back, carefully wiping a small tear drop by the corner of his eye. Mark was still not ready to let go, Taeyong entered in the exact situation and noticed something was going on.  
  
"I ... came to take Mark I hope I ... am not disturbing you two ?"  
  
Why was he always coming for him ? Mark remembered seeing him with Jaehyun back at the dance hall, giggling on something when he left.  
  
"No you are not hyung, and please take this dumb hyung away I need some sleep." Again someone replied on behalf of Mark, Jeno actually took the blanket all for himself and the next thing was Mark Walking beside Taeyong towards the hyungs' dorm living.  
It was empty as expected at that hour, no wonder Taeyong was having some lone times again with him which he adored and treasured but Mark could feel something was down inside him. After Jeno coming up with the liking thing suddenly the scenery of Taeyong and Jaehyun giggling were not so pretty.  
  
"Hey you look like you're about to cry ? Anything happened ?" Taeyong pinched his cheeks and smiled warmly, sitting at the opposite on the center table.  
  
"Im okay hyung. Kind of tired as you know."   
  
"Yes I know. and I feel bad bringing you up here but I cant keep it inside me anymore !" Taeyong visibly looked happy, Mark did not want to ruin the moment noticing how he was feeling.  
  
"Mark you and me are gonna debut in the next group our company and its official ! I just got the news and ran to tell you and we still cant tell this to the others and ..."  
  
"Jaehyun hyung already know it right ?"  
  
Here you go Mark Lee, you ruined the moment.  
  
"Well ... he does as we were together when I got called and ..."  
  
Taeyong looked up at him biting his lips, totally not expecting the question from Mark he had that big news. Mark looked back at him, that was when he noticed it all for real.  
He was going to debut. With Taeyong. It was official.  
  
His vision got blurred.  
  
Mark remembered all those pain he faced in this life just to achieve this one dream of debuting and he was debuting with someone who got him for every second and they were gonna be together forever. Was he even able to describe how was the feeling of realizing it ?  
  
"Mark .... hey ... you're tearing up." Taeyong wrapped an arm around him once again, nothing so new. "See ? I promised you I'll be here with you."  
  
Mark gulped, "What about the others ?"  
  
"They are gonna debut in the same team but there will be time differences, just you and me are confirmed in the first team."  
  
Mark gulped again, holding the closer towards him.   
  
But then again Jaehyun's giggles came in his mind.  
  
Life was sometimes weird. In a good way. In a not so good way. All on your own.


	3. Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STAN SUPER M ! LET US ALL BE KILLED !

Some soft hand stroked by his hair as Mark opened his eyes to the touch, wondering why he was waking upto someone's touches. As you never know what's going on around you as you wake up and you need some time to gather yourself, he could not find who it was until a smile flashed at him which he could recognize anywhere, it was of Ten's.  
  
"Good morning there sunshine !" Ten flashed another smile as Mark was brought back to the world, rubbing his eyes, now wondering what in the world the other guy was doing in his and Jeno's room. Mark could see the boy still sleeping peacefully.  
  
"Sorry to bother you but you know what it is right ? We need to see the managers within 30 minutes ...." Ten kind of looked calm, but of course he was not, "Get ready, I'll be waiting in the living."  
  
"Where are the others ?"  
  
"Almost everyone is up and ready to go .... they sent me to look for you." He lightly straightened, and then Mark realized what it was in a stable state.  
  
It was the shooting day.  
  
Looking back at the past few months it did not look easy to make it to the very day, after the announcements of the first debut from SR15B a few days, after the congratulations, after the some of them sighing behind his back, after the endless practices, the recordings, all of it. He could remember the nights when they had practice past the midnight and after that him resting his head on Taeyong's shoulder and Taeyong dreaming of a nice musical life. The cheering, the admiration, the music itself.  
  
The past few months have been the toughest few months for him if would say so. Not because of the training, he was way too used to that by now, it was because of the whole debuting thing. Him being one of the star trainees of the compnay without him quite knowing was nothing new, beside that him being the youngest one to debut in this one huge boygroup project named NCT was something people would talk about. Mark did not care if some other trainee came up with why Mark Lee was there when he was supposed to be with youngers or if someone questioned his capabilities, but he had to care if it was his members.  
  
Like when the news came out in front of everyone Donghyuck was the happiest person alive just for Mark, he could feel it, but at the same time Donghyuck realized that it was time to let Mark leave him behind for a new life. That he wont be with him all the time by then, that they would have some invisible distance they never wanted. So when it was time to say goodbye at the last training hour together, Donghyuck did not talk to Mark and of course, Mark thought this was it.  
  
And there were others too. When it came out all of them were happy but something was missing, something was down.  
  
"Are you going already ?" Jeno's sleepy voice brought him back from the world of his thoughts and he turned at the male, the younger male was holding a small smile even in his sleepy self.  
  
"Are you ever coming back ?" Jeno asked again with the same sleepy face and the small smile and his looks ensure Mark that he was trying to be sarcastic but the question was somehow stuck on his mind.  
  
Mark walked upto Jeno's bed and sat on his knees, fondly touching his cheeks.  
  
"Wish me luck."  
  
"I wish you always stay as the one we look upto."  
  
Then soon Mark was in his morning outfit meeting Ten in the living room after 15 good minutes.  
  
They walked out of the dorm silently and Ten was looking comfortable in the silence so the younger did to dare to break it throughout the small walk they had by the corridors. He was not looking in hurry meant that Mark was not that late but who wanted to wait like him right ? Maybe everyone was on cloud nine cause of this huge opportunity and just not him. Were they okay with the plan of leaving others behind even if it was said that they were gonna come ?  
  
"Look they are here ! Finally !" Dongyoung's warm voice caught their attention towards a corner when the entered and everyone else was there, Mark unknowingly yawned walking up to them and of course everyone else was their, only the 4 of them but anyway. Jaehyun reached for him and Mark leaned on the male, he could feel he'd be sleepy all day.  
  
"As everyone is here I think we could get going ..." Taeyong reached for him as well, making him lean on the male this time, looking way too pretty in his whitish hair colour that Mark could not keep looking at him.  
  
"I messaged them already, they would be coming." Jaehyun informed, Taeyong nodded, Mark yawned again.  
  
And then the car ride was silent again as everyone else were using the time as their sleeping time, Mark guessed no one could get enough sleep, only him and Taeyong keeping their eyes open at the back most seat, The younger still clinging onto him.  
  
"Mark .... are you nervous ?" Taeyong took his hand in his, a small gesture they always had but the touch was always different, nevermind.  
  
"I very much am nervous hyung, so nervous that I wish I could trade this place with someone else."  
  
"Its okay to be like that but you see ..." He whispered back again, not wanting to waking the others up, or not wanting any interruptions between them, "But never be unsure of this place that you got okay ? This place is yours, the stage needs someone named Mark Lee because to me youre the talented most performer I've ever seen."  
  
Small words, but like every other words from Taeyong it touched his heart and maybe he was not feeling down about leaving the others behind anymore, maybe he could see what he was meant to be. Miles away from his family, years without them, hours of his hardwork, all was paying off and that was it.  
  
It was unexpected for him to think like that, and then the most unexpected thing of his life happened.  
  
Taeyong leaned in and placed a small kiss dangerously close to his lips.  
  
Mark's world went white for a moment.  
  
"Umm .... ah ..... good luck for today. We are almost here."  
  
Mark touched the very area beside his lips without knowing.  
  
"Ah .... sorry if .. that scared you." Taeyong awkwardly smiled which was not so like Taeyong, without knowing what he did to some 16 years old heart.  
  
"We are here I guess ..." He casually acted as if nothing happened.  
  
"Yes we are. We will be there within a couple of minutes." Their 'manager' declared hearing the male and soon he was trying to wake the others up, all with fluffy eyes that look kind of adorable. Maybe it was time to get used to them all.  
  
"Please give me some time before I look stable. We are not gonna start it all right away right ?" Someone asked  
  
"Of course not ! I Even forgot all the choreography in excitement !" Someone replied, maybe Dongyoung  
  
And all Mark could get was that Taeyong's traces over the side of his lips.  
  


  
  
  
Mark walked inside the empty dark dance hall when he was not supposed to, he was supposed to enjoy the break they got after a couple of months of getting used to their 'Idol Life' with numerous shows and performances and interviews and schedules and them not getting anytime to hold themselves back. Honestly, the life was all glittery and at the same time it was the hardest life one could get and it was not some newly invented thought.  
  
And then again he should recall the confirmation of the debut of their second unit being something bigger, and again Mark was in the list, again getting weird looks and nice looks from people. All he knew was that the company was gonna add people and all but then it turned out to be units and if that counts he was gonna debut again, along with some others of them like Super Talented Jaehyun or Taeil or Taeyong.  
  
And he Heard this one very new Chinese male was going to attend them and meeting Sicheng was one of the best things he could remember. This Sicheng had the sweetest persona ever and guess who liked him the most, Yuta. Being the Japanese in the group who was still okay with Korean made a Chinese bestfriend and it was good. Another good thing was that he got back his bestfriend as well and Donghyuck almost cried when he was the last one to get announced.   
  
But again, Johnny was missing being the one who trained for the longest period of time and Dongyoung and Ten was deleted from the list.  
  
Mark gave up on understanding the plans of it all. He just knew he had a break of some days and then again he was going on the road to debut thing.  
  
Was he tired ? No. Was he excited ? No.  
  
He wanted to let it all happen and he only knew that he was made for this. This was different kind of happiness.  
  
"What in the world are you doing here Mark Lee ?"  
  
Donghyuck walked inside making him turn and soon he was clinging onto him, making Mark look like he was hating the gesture when he was adoring it.  
  
"Are you doing any practice ? Is this why you're The Mark Lee ?"  
  
"Do I look like Im practicing or something ?"   
  
"Well no ... but this can be one of your secret recipes .." The male kind of hugged him tighter, making Mark make the face again. Donghyuck was adorable and he was not denying the thing.  
  
Donghyuck was Donghyuck. Someone who was his own.  
  
"What are you thinking about ? About my radiant beauty ?"  
  
"Shut up you are ugly." Mark nodded with knowing.  
  
"And you are really pretty. So pretty that I almost want to make something up with you and be all giggly."  
  
Mark looked down at the male, what did he exactly mean ?  
  
"Dont look at me like that ! Half of the sm trainees had crushes on you and now half of the korean idols have I guess ..."  
  
"What are you even saying ?"  
  
"Im saying that you are a dumbo."  
  
Donghyuck ( finally ) leaned back and instead of thinking that hanging out in a dance hall at around 12 am was something unusual he sat in front of him by the mirror. Some Donghyuck gesture of hanging out in the dance halls.  
  
"You should sometimes notice hyung. Or else the prettiest boy on earth is gonna die single."  
  
Well did he really need to notice when his life had no place for it nor his future ? Not like he did not know about the crushes on him, not like he was surprised that it came from both of the genders, not like he had time for the thing.  
  
Growing up Mark 'decided' that he was not someone to love or like someone and see his life gave him a career where he was only allowed to be happy with his 'fans'. The term was still new to him.  
  
"Guess its good to be dead single when you are an idol ?"  
  
"Dont teach me idol rules Mark Lee ! This rules dont work when its about liking someone !"  
  
"You like someone ?" Mark smiled down at the male, sitting beside him.  
  
"Yes I do. And guess who he is its -"  
  
"MARK !"   
  
Mark could realize Donghyuck jumped on himself hearing the huge scream echoing in the dance hall coming from Taeyong, who was standing close to them and none of them realized when he silently walked upto them, and why he had to scream like that when he was standing this close.  
  
Taeyong still had his whitish hair and he looked soft in a fluffy head, okay what was Mark thinking ?  
  
"I ... I .. I mean Mark ... I mean Mark I mean Donghyuck Taeil hyung had his asthma attack Uh ..."  
  
"Then why are you here ? Why are you not with him ?" Donghyuck kind of fired back, Mark guessed it was because Taeil was always having attacks and Donghyuck liked to take care of the oldest male when needed cause he knew the thing.  
  
"Anyway hyung good thing that you called me. Im gonna go check if the old man is dying or anything ..." Donghyuck walked out within a minute as expected, leaving the conversation stuck and leaving him with Taeyong behind, still looking so soft that his memory of Taeyong giving him a kiss almost came back.  
  
Mark always have a hard time ignoring the memory.  
  
Why did it feel so special when it was supposed to be not ?  
  
"Im sorry for screaming like that ... I was ... worried you know."  
  
Lee Taeyong, why did it seem like you wanted to cut Donghyuck off ? Why were you always interrupting when I was close with anyone else when you were close with so many of them ?  
  
"Come you need some sleep ...."  
  
"Did you forget that we have an off day tomorrow and I can sleep till 2pm ?"  
  
Taeyong giggled off, it looked so adorable that he wanted to touch his giggle, again what was that ?  
  
"Anyway Leader nim ... Im gonna be a good maknae and go sleep."  
  
"Am I Leader yet though ?  
  
"Well yes because they said this unit was going to have a leader and it will be you." Mark giggled back, walking up towards the exit leaving Taeyong behind with the sam giggly face.  
  
"Hey Mark !"  
  
Mark turned back as he was exiting.  
  
"You will never get it ... will you ?"  
  
He made a questioning look if he guessed right but Taeyong turned his back all of a sudden, he was not going to explain it, like always.  
  
Life was something he would never understand.  



	4. Pleasing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back again after a month and hope you like the following thing. Thanks for checking this out again.

While returning from the long day with the young ones he suddenly had to lead and take care of, Mark decided to stop by the common lounge of the area and once again plan the whole thing. Here he was with other 6 younger ones than him, and even if they were way known to him, he was having thoughts on him failing as the one to lead them. Debuting in the 1st team of their rookie group, debuting in the unofficial major unit of their rookie group and now, he would be debuting with the maknaes as well when Donghyuck or Jaemin could have lead them all. Mark was not complaining about being with them, but why it was him all the time ?  
  
Earlier the day someone mentioned, Mark was their company's publicity stunt for the upcoming unit. Someone said, how could someone who himself is a maknae would be able to lead such young performers ? Mark smiled a little inside of him, he was so used to the questions, so used to answering them all on stage but to him this was the difficult most situation of course.  
  
Leading was something that has to be inside you, you cannot have it if it isnt there.  
  
Taeyong had this quality. And Mark saw it closely.  
  
At the day of their 1st music show, Mark could remember how it was possible only because of Taeyong's super strong mental support. How he managed it all and being in an unit without him was something Mark was certainly not used to.  
  
From the day of knowing him till the last day of 127's practice, every second he knew Taeyong was with him holding his back, wiping his tears, taking all his insecurities away and suddenly the absence of him was paining him and he could to express anything. Not like they did not meet everyday, Mark still lived in the 127 dorm, but some glances per day was not enough for him and he himself could to admit it.  
  
"Mark Hyung ? You there ? You okay ? Did you collapse ?" Jaemin's voice made him sure of his presence even before him entering and throwing himself beside him. He leaned on Mark comfortably and visibly sighed.  
  
What made Na Jaemin sigh ?  
  
"Teach me how to deal with this life. I think I only want Jeno cuddling me and cheetos in my life nothing else."  
  
"You chose this life by yourself ...."  
  
"Do not try this line on me. I only know I like performing thats all." Jaemin leaned on him again, with a slight smile on himself for no knowing reason.  
  
"You're missing Taeyong hyung right ?"  
  
And Mark almost choked. Was this that obvious ? And why did he choke ? Missing someone is nothing special right ?  
  
Or was it ?  
  
"Your face tells me 'help I need healing kisses from Lee Taeyong' and I can understand as I have this look for Jeno too."  
  
"Na Jaemin youre being annoying."  
  
"Im annoying and I know that !"  
  
Jaemin straightened all of a sudden, facing him with twinkling eyes Mark adored. The male's twinkling eyes faded soon and a rather deep look came Mark was unfamiliar with.  
  
"Let me scare you .... If I say I like Jeno romantically ... would you admit that you like Taeyong hyung ?"  
  
Mark could swear some silent bomb blasted in the silent room when he was trying to process Jaemin's words.   
  
Jaemin liked Jeno. Wow ...   
  
Wasnt it too obvious ? But what the question afterwards ?  
  
"Im waiting for your answer hyung."  
  
"I ... Im..." Okay Mark was having problem in declaring a straight no because he COULD NEVER like Taeyong. And even if he does he COULD NEVER get Taeyong. He also COULD NEVER try or expect anything between them as ....  
  
"I think I got my answer. See you tomorrow morning. And also ..." Jaemin winked, back at his twinkling eyes, "Im confessing on the night we debut so this better be a secret !"  
  
Mark kept looking at him.  
  
  


  
He did know who got this idea of giving him curls, others liked the new look but Mark absolutely did not like the idea. Having this new look made him look different and often he was getting looks when he was walking in. Positive ones and even after being one of the future icons of the company Mark definitely did to want to gain attention.  
  
Then again someone's comments made him feel butterflies in his stomach of course. Mark could hear Taeyong's voice in his head anytime he wanted.  
  
"Why are you so breathtakingly beautiful ?"  
  
He could remember it was the first day of the practice of 127's first comeback and Mark could not learn anything just because of this one single comment. Donghyuck occasionally pointed that out.  
  
Then suddenly Taeyong being affectionate towards him ( again ) was something made him feel he was in the heavens too. He loved to make a small place on Taeyong's bed and sleep hugging him. He loved to have alone practices with him. He loved to talk for hours and hours long at the studios.  
  
Back to the 127 unit made him feel more comfortable. Dream's been a success and somehow he was looking young and fresh like the others and made a look he had to get out from in 127's songs. His members were proud of him once again and Lee Taeyong was more than anyone of course.  
  
And he still could not believe under everyone's eyes excluding the members, Na Jaemin and Lee Jeno were dating and being lovesick whenever they could.  
  
It was adorable.  
  
"Mark Mark ! Wanna have some coffee ?" Johnny raised his voice seeing him walking by the kitchen counter but Mark really was not in the mood of having coffee at 11 pm. He refused it with a slight shake and a slight smile, but sat in front of the older male anyway.  
  
"This look looks pretty on you. You should keep this."  
  
"Really not interested thank you."  
  
"Dont say that .... Taeyong likes it !"  
  
Okay where did Taeyong come from ?   
  
"Dont look at me like that. I was just .... saying."  
  
Johnny definitely wasnt just saying that. And after years of knowing him he could say that.   
  
The older male looked somewhat tired and somewhat happy at the same as he was debuting after one long journey. Mark was genuinely happy for him and getting the ever loving Dongyoung back with them.  
  
"Mark ?"  
  
"Hmm ?"  
  
"I think I told Taeil hyung that I like him ...."  
  
No, Mark was not someone everyone told their secrets to, Johnny Seo's crush on the oldest male on the team was something everyone knew and adored and they even had fans if he was not wrong. Long term trainee love story as Renjun would name in Chinese.  
  
"What do you mean 'you think' ?"  
  
"I mean .... me and Yuta were talking about Taeil hyung and...." He paused for a second and lowered his voice, "Sicheng if you dont know."  
  
Mark did not know, he gave him a look. If Yuta liked Sicheng that would make tbe unique most pair ever   
  
"And like after some minutes Nakamoto Yuta being Nakamoto Yuta said that Taeil hyung was behind me and heard everything !"  
  
Mark was absolutely pleased and he was sure he gave him his cheeky smile too.  
  
"Dont be so happy. Its embarrassing and Im about to kill Nakamoto Yuta and go to jail."  
  
"But it was epic hyung ! Im feeling respect towards Yuta hyung !"  
  
Johnny visibly sighed and the conversation ended when Taeil himself walked in, making Johnny looking at any other possible direction and Mark giggled without knowing.  
  
Time of their life  


  
  
  
  
The news of Jaemin being unable to perform and suffering terribly was enough to make Mark feel empty inside. The comeback was without their sunshine and he was not okay with it. Still they tried, still they worked, still they wanted to go with the flow. At the same time Mark was empty inside him for his personal reasons too, obviously that included Taeyong.  
  
How Mark wished Taeyong was not included or he was just simply missing the male again.  
  
The previous month changed everything.  
  
The previous month came with successes and successes with NCT and 127's last performances were truly incredible. That was inspiring everyone to work harder and Lee Taeyong was the one who was maintaining his duties like it was his religion. He was always in the studio or in the halls, skipping meals skipping rest, sleeping in the studios. Mark knew he had his comeback with the dream members in one month but he tried his best to take care of the male. As he was way too close to him, no one noticed his care, not even when he spent whole night in the studios.  
  
It was becoming is forever known habit, being around Taeyong whenever he could. He loved being near him, loved smiling with him, loved sharing moments with him. Taeyong treated him differently, and being so close Mark still pretended he did not notice.  
  
He was scared of cherishing the special bond and losing it.  
  
"What will I do without you hmm ? Dont go with the youngers you stay with me ..." One night Taeyong held his hand casually and said in the soft tune only reserved for Mark.  
"I need to take care of them like you take care of me hyung .... They need someone as well." Mark looked at their intertwined fingers looking so perfect together.  
  
"Do you think I only care for you ? Nothing else ?"  
  
"You care for me because you adore me ... now go back to your songs its getting late !"  
  
"Yes right ..." Taeyong broke the connection and returned to his songs.  
  
And the following night changed everything between them when Mark found himself kissing the most beautiful person ever, properly.  
  
One simple night and another simple late night stay at the studio when Taeyong decided to take a simple break and simply leaned in when he was close to Mark. Mark followed his action as if he was in some spell and kissed him back softly, wanting to feel every moment when every moment felt wrong.  
  
As if he was not meant to be there. As if he was not the one. As if he should not be there.  
  
But at the same time it felt so right. As if the moment was made for them and them only.  
  
Why was he being like that ?  
  
Was it because he was young ? Was it because he knew Jaehyun liked him ? Was it because they had their career ?  
  
And why did it feel right at the same time ?  
  
"You wont be with me from tomorrow ... I needed to make sure we pause our memories with a sweet one and I can cherish it till you come back to me and till I can ...."  
  
"Hyung ...."  
  
Taeyong softly placed a finger on his lips, making the moment silent, looking so pretty in simple brown messy hair and smiling with his eyes.  
  
Mark answered himself at the moment.  
  
He was deeply in love with Taeyong and he could not live without him.  
  
"I will wait for you...."  
  
Memories enough to make him feel empty inside with seeing Taeyong and he was guilty when everyone was worried about Jaemin and the comeback, he was missing someone who was waiting for him.  
  
Life can be way too sweet at times in some wrong ways.


	5. Learning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Im clumsy ... Here's the following thing

Night was falling down on Seoul, warm and pretty, a weather were you could breath in unknowingly. The small balcony of their dorm was filled with the air and Mark was standing there alone in an oversized hoodie he did not know the owner of. He could sense the scent and it seemed like the owner was Johnny, who cared ? Living with them for so long was something Mark cherished and that was all that mattered.  
  
Well did he cherish it ?  
  
Living with them caused happiness you could never describe and at the same time being close with someone also brings the negatives they have in them, which sometime can cause you worries.   
  
Mark was always scared of losing it all.  
  
And maybe he lost it all  
  
He could remember how his days went with the dream unit knowing someone was there waiting for him and holding a sea of emotions inside him, waiting for the day when he could meet that someone properly again. Being himself he kept on working with the young ones, making himself understand that he had no choice. The day came after months, when he could get some rest but instead he went to that someone directly and ....  
  
"Umm ... Mark ? You're awake ?" Sicheng walked in with a sleepy adorable look on his face, the Chinese was clearly still in his sleep.  
  
"You're gonna catch a cold Mark."  
  
"Why are you here then ?"  
  
"I dont know .... suddenly woke up and then I cant sleep."  
  
Sicheng was cold in a short sleeve tee, he leaned onto the younger as he rubbed his eyes for a few times. Mark made a hugging gesture and he looked like his thoughts were leaning onto Sicheng.  
  
"I dont know what will the others say ... if the see the two with the least affection sense like this." Sicheng held him back, as if he was allowing Mark to rest his thoughts on him. But was that even possible ?  
  
Sicheng was warm and welcoming. But Mark did not know how to move towards him. How to move towards anyone.  
  
"You know, people always complain on being alone. When they are the ones who make themselves alone ..." The other male said in a low tone, as if he did not want to break the silence of the night.  
  
"This alone thing is interesting. You're with everyone yet you're all alone. No one there."  
"Do you think Im creating this, hyung ?" Mark questioned getting into the point. Of course, him keep a distance with the others was noticed. And Sicheng being Sicheng was indirectly getting into that.  
  
The Chinese looked at him with some answer, that was when a light sound came from behind and soon their eyes were fell on Taeyong.  
  
The leader managed a smile, Mark looked away.   
  
"What are you two doing here ? Winwinie ?" He noticed the small cold gesture from Mark.  
  
"Talking. You wanna come ?"   
  
Please no  
  
"Umm ... no Im quite ... sleepy. But you're gonna catch a cold hmm ? We cant afford that now."  
  
The concern was clearly for Mark and Mark looked away from the concern. In some days he learned how to look away from this certain person cause having him on his eyes werent his right. It was someone else's. And Mark did not want to snatch that cause of his stupid feelings. Wht would he though ? He was no one. No one to be happy. Sicheng was right. He was being alone on himself but that was for the betterment of the situation.  
  
"I'll see you in the morning okay ? We ... have a meeting with the producers." Taeyong managed another smile, clearly a sad one.  
  
And of course Sicheng had nothing to do with the producers. And of course Mark had no other choice  
  
  


  
  
  
Mark definitely did not like him being loved by the producers or him being the one to get well with the thing or him being super talented in their eyes. For the third comeback of 127 he had numerous lines and Mark did not know what he will do on stage. Maybe working continuously in all the units werent enough for the management. He did not if he was even alive anymore.The concept was really really strong at the same time and Mark forgot how to take some rest or how to take care of himself like always, and it was worse than ever before as he was always tired and was never getting the choreo right.  
  
Soon the practice hall became his home and he kept on staying there alone.  
  
Well, in a some sense it was better for him as the practice thing kept him away from his thoughts and he always could give Taeil or Dongyoung excuses for not being around. Good for him, he didnt have to see Taeyong.  
  
Seeing Taeyong was something he was running from.  
  
Mark was sure he would mess things up if they ever get back their previous close state. He was almost messing things up, he was almost screaming himself out and ruin everything, that was the time when his life saved him. Saved him by making me see what was there.  
  
It was always there.  
  
One night after the Limitless promotions was over he saw Taeyong incredibly close with someone else. There he stopped himself and looking back he was kind of thankful that his life made that happen.  
  
Mark collapsed on the wooden floor on the thought and breathed in. He was alone in the hall on some cold night again and he did not what was he doing with himself.  
  
He helped himself to stand and look on his reflection. Overworked and tired, known face around the world by now, loved yet alone, and most importantly - a grown up Mark was looking back him. Mark could see the change. Mark could not like the change in a way.  
  
He decided to end the night and get himself back at his bed.  
  
And Jaehyun called him from the kitchen while he was making his way by the living area.  
  
"I have some extra coffee, and you look super exhausted. Spend some time with me here." Jaehyun warmly smiled, making Mark smile back and actually take a seat. The older seemed like he made the extra coffee for him.  
  
"Do not complain having my sugar free one. It works better."  
  
"Its amazing, hyung."  
  
"You can straight tell me how you feel you know ? It works better as well ..." Jaehyun paused for a second, "I mean ... I know the coffee isnt amazing and you arent telling me that on my face."  
  
Mark gave him a look. He was not that dumb that he would not notice the sudden change in Jaehyun's voice and the thing he actually meant.  
  
There was an awkward silence by then and Mark did not know how to break that. Jaehyun helped him.  
  
"Mark, can I please ask you what happened to you ? You've been indirectly ignoring us all and we all know you're actually ignoring Taeyong."  
  
"Hyung its nothing like that, Im not ready for the comeback I am trying -"  
  
"You and me both know this is not the actual reason." Jaehyun sipped on his coffee keeping his eyes down, "Mark, all of us adore you so much. We dont like this distance between you and us ... And ..."  
  
His eyes met Marks and that hold that upset look you get from your most loved ones when you are not loving them back.  
  
"Every night Taeyong asks me how you are what are you doing and ... he even .. cried."  
  
Cried ? Taeyong cried ?   
  
"Yes. Im sorry but Im not saying this to make you see you're hurting him. Hurting us. Im just trying to know what happened."  
  
How could I explain this to you ? You're the one who kissed Taeyong. And he kissed you back. Breaking my entire world. And Im just trying to save the situation, save myself.  
"Hyung, I need some time." he finished his coffee and grabbed his belongings to approach towards his room. Jaehyun did not say a word.  
  
  


  
  
  
Mark learned managing his life in a better way. Being a performer they always were some on stage actors and acting in real life was easier when you could do that. And he did that.  
  
2 months since he last talked closely with Taeyong, 2 months since he became free with his members but Mark considered Jaehyun's words and started acting as if nothing happened. Afterwards he went shopping with Yuta which was some hours' thing, he had sleepovers at the dream dorm, he was seen with Jaehyun as well and again, the older did not mention anything specific. He seemed like he was happy with Mark being the actual him even if it was some pretending. Jaehyun seemed like he was getting that.   
  
And Mark talked with Taeyong properly.  
  
They always had this much of natural bond that nothing special happened when one evening two of them were in the studio alone and Mark frequestly talked about the upcoming dream album happened to be another new thing. The evening was pretty normal and the planned on having another session was Taeyong was offered to help him with some songs  
  
Here Mark was standing in front of the studio Taeyong liked the most, telling himself they were fine. It was fine.  
  
You had feelings for Taeyon in some way he had for someone else. Which was not some unusual thing in human history.  
  
Mark breathed in and unlocked the door for himself, his eyes falling on Taeyong looking pretty with the monitor lights as always, the breath turned into a sigh. He felt an urge to hold him close, he had to look away and shake his head. As if it was something terribly wrong.  
  
"Why are you standing there like that ? Come in. I've everything prepared." Taeyong used a cheerful tone, straightening and turning his chair at the younger's direction. Mark looked away again as he took his seat containing some space from the older.  
  
Taeyong did not say anything on that, Mark could feel him being normal with Taeyong was enough for him. Taeyong ... maybe ... missed him.  
  
He did miss him.  
  
"I dont like your lyrics on La La Love. Make sure you talk with the hyungs and change em. Also I very much like We Young. You asked me if it should go through any change and the answer is a big no. Mark Lee you are listening what I am saying ?" Taeyong waved his hands infront of a Mark looking directly at his eyes and Mark got back in life.   
  
He badly needed to help himself.  
  
"Tell me what did I say ?"  
  
"Eh ... you liked La La Love and want me to change We Young ?"  
  
Taeyong gave him a look, "Very well."   
  
Then something happened and his ( perfect looking ) lips formed a smile. Soon it was turn in some ( perfect looking ) giggles and Taeyong leaned in to slightly pinch his cheeks. Mark did not know what happened and did not notice his invisible fine line around him created in 2 months was erased by one single gesture. He touched the area of his cheeks like he touched the area by his lips long time ago for this same someone.   
  
"I wonder if you will ever stop being cute."  
  
Mark managed a shy smile, unknowingly of course. They were not supposed to be in that position.  
  
"Never stop being this cute, hmm ?" The male erased his giggle with a small sigh. Mark did not notice the small change, but he should've.  
  
So he could be prepared for the upcoming words.  
  
"Mark ..." Taeyong moved closer slowly, Mark did not notice that as well. "I know why we've been distant. Why you were keeping a distance with me. Dont you think I know you enough ? Dont you think I know you this much that I can read through you ? Who was your closest one, Mark ? Me."   
  
Mark noticed the change by then.  
  
"I guessed its about Me and Jaehyun. I dont know how or why, but that was the thing." His voice calm enough, "I knew this from the beginning and I could've went to you and end this. But I did not because I waiting for you to come. So I can explain ... when you're ready."  
  
"Why do you think you need to ... explain ? Even if I saw you with Him, I should .... not care ..."  
  
"You care. You seeing me with him and you keep a distance with me clearly show ..."  
Mark could feel his hands were shivering.  
  
"Jaehyun likes me Mark, yes. And we kissed, yes. But that was not because I like him back. It was because I like someone else and he asked a small kiss before he forget his feelings."  
  
How to react on the information ?  
  
Taeyong smiled softly and leaned in, something they havent did in a while, something that reminded him of having butterflies inside him.  
  
"I wont ..." Taeyong was in 0.5 inch away from his lips, "Till the day you come to me ... I wont."  
  
Life was something you could not feel at times.


	6. Finding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Its been a while .... hope you are keeping up

Time helps you to get used to every single thing around you and slowly you look like you suit in your life, it was biggest truth of Mark's life. He was at some point where he did not feel anything inside him and often seemed like he was turning into some machine used whenever people wanted. It was not tough, it was not easy either. Everyday he thought of ending the day smoothly and that was that - living day by day. Pretending that he was doing all good. Was everyone pretending to look good ?  
  
From the outside people would give up on anything to get a position like him, loved and known, glamour and fame always behind his name. But to him all of them were something that - happened. Mark wanted to let things happen as he never was any dramatic person. Sometimes he felt disgusting, but he learned how to deal with that.  
  
Having these thoughts he remembered he was in some ride with the 127 unit not knowing where they headed to. Was that necessary ? Obviously no. He was more interested in remembering his lines and all as he had the most lines in the new title. He did not ask for that but the producers said it was kind of Mark Lee type.  
  
Mark Lee - a kind it was.  
  
With a small movement the ride came to an end and they got down, all looking tired tired, Mark did not know how will they actually look then again the stylists can bring up whatever looks they wanted.  
  
The song was named Touch and Mark could not get how they selected, but the vibe was good and it was fresh song, way different than the songs 127 unit presented and the producers liked it so much that they even were targeting the wins. Maybe. 127 was liked by fans of every kind.  
  
2018 was aimed to be their year as the company took a big project including every unit and every member of NCT, if he didnt heard wrong all 18 of them will be a part of it and they will include a song with each one of them. Impossible it seemed but the fact that triggered him was - he was in every single unit and 2018 can be the year of his death. He sighed.  
  
Mark was the 2nd one to shoot so he decided to rest a little somewhere before the stylists call him. His eyes took a look of the weird looking place and he captured some chairs, along with Donghyuck doing something on his phone sitting in the middle.  
  
"Hyuck ?" Mark slightly pushed him, "Donghyuk ? Haechan ? Hyuckie ? Monkey ?"  
  
He giggled, and maybe just because of the giggle Donghyuk paused his game and looked up.  
  
"Boring people do some silly things to look funny. This try is really funny."  
  
"Im boring ?"  
  
"No. youre pretty."  
  
Donghyuk kind of blushed, a very unusual Donghyuck look. But Mark was not taken aback as in some recent days he noticed this blushes and he did no why all of a sudden Donghyuck was acting weird. At first he thought it was the change of the age or it was them being closer but it was pretty different.  
  
Not like they werent close, but things kind of changed.  
  
The friendship was of years, and without any doubt Mark would say Donghyuck was his best friend and he was Donghyuck's best friend. The feeling always felt of some pure friendship but then Mark felt a small change which he always wanted to ask about.   
  
Donghyuck kind of got attached to him in way which did not look like some simple friendship. Mark could ignore his innocent tries of giving him kisses or Donghyuck taking care of him but he could not ignore him being overprotective or so possessive that he was getting into arguments. If he wanted he could give numerous examples and things definitely changed between them which Mark kind of needed to talk about.  
  
"Hey hyuck, listen na .." Mark interrupted again, sitting by his side, looking around if anyone else was with them. If he tries to be exact Yuta and Sicheng was in the vision, doing some - they should be careful of - things, but still far away.  
  
"What ? Do you see youre disturbing me ?"   
  
"No listen. I wanna ask this or else I'd forget this again !"  
  
"Yes please ?" Donghyuk gave him a careful look, completely brushing of the blush he had.  
  
"Why ... uh .. why.." The question was not some question Mark Lee would ask casually. At the same time it was pretty awkward. His only hope was him and Donghyuck could talk on anything and everything.  
  
That was when Mark was called and it seemed like the stylist saved his dear life. He quickly moved and followed him and soon was in a room with some others of them getting ready. Those others included Taeyong looking breathtakingly beautiful which did not fail to make him stop breathing - like every single time.   
  
Taeyong had a simple look for the song, and it suited him se well.  
  
Taeyong looked at him through a mirror the moment Mark looked back, without his eyes on Taeyong he could say the older caught him staring and got him holding in his breath. Mark tried to ignore Taeyong's giggle sounds as he plopped down on his chair.   
Do I look okay ?   
  
Mark could read Taeyong's eyes when he was seated, he could see Taeyong from the large mirrors on his back and Taeyong was staring back at him. Without thinking much Mark nodded and tried his very best to think about something else.  
  
How could someone be so precious.  
  
  
  
  
  
When the composers described the song dream unit was going to do, the first thought that came in Mark's mind was impossible. Dream's signature looks did not match with the concept, it was risky and at the moment it seemed like the hardest dream song ever. Mark asked the composers several times if they were absolutely sure, looked like they were and he could say it was gonna come with a lot of hardwork.  
  
The song was named Go with a classic bad ass vibe the dreamies never tired, were 127's song was pretty soft and catchy ( where him and Taeyong had a duo part and he looked really soft okay nevermind )  
  
"So, let us all get killed ! Boom boom boom !" Jisung made the noises when they were walking back and he clearly was tensed, everyone else was. Mark knew in the end everything was gonna end but still he was scared and - knowing that this could be his last song with the dream unit did not help him in any way. Mark hated working that much but he loved the dreamies dearly and never wanted to leave.  
  
Then everything had a better side too, and for them the only good news was Jaemin was coming back.  
  
If he was being honest the dream unit needed Jaemin badly to giggle around and be less serious ( Especially Jeno who kept looking at his lock screens having Jaemin nevermind ). Na Jaemin was needed for this comeback. Mark could remember them greeting Jaemin back and all of sudden all of them were somehow lighter.  
  
"Hey hyungie !" Took name of the devil and devil himself was there, "Why do you look sad sad ? Too much of work ?"  
  
"Quit disturbing me Na Jaemin. I was better without you."  
  
"Of course you were worse without me ! Now if you consider noticing we are in the wrong direction ..."  
  
Mark looked around to see where they were. It wasnt the way to their dorm building and none of the dreamies minus Jaemin was seen around. He might be thinking too much and lost the way like always.  
  
"Its okay I got you. Seeing you walking down here I followed. Now tell me what makes you sad sad ?"  
  
"Nothing ..." Mark used his usual reply casually.  
  
"Expected answer, hyung." Jaemin leaned back and Mark noticed it was 127 dance hall behind him, he decided to enter and rest for a while as the hall was empty and he was always in need of his space. But walking in Jaemin followed him.  
  
"Feels good to be back. So many changes."  
  
"Hmm ?" Mark sat on the floor after turning on the lights, leaned by the mirror.  
  
"Yes. Like Jeno grew up and talks sweeter than every before ..." Jaemin erased a small blush on him, "Then hyuckie is so into you nowadays." He sat beside Mark  
  
So he noticed that too. But it wasnt what Mark thought it was right ?  
  
"Hyung, I suggest that you tell him that you like someone else. Before anything serious happens. Im like sure that Lee Donghyuk is in love with you."  
  
The statement Mark was trying to avoid came right in front of him and he could not ignore it anymore. He could say Jaemin was right. It happened.  
  
It did happen.  
  
"I-I dont know what I should - do." He really didnt know.   
  
Donghyuck was his best damn friend after all.  
  
"The awkward least option would be ..." Jaemin looked up, "You and Taeyong hyung making it official."  
  
Mark could say he wore the blank most look ever.  
  
"Yes.Finding it out by himself, if I know Donghyuck, he will deal with the situation and will try his best to be happy for you." Jaemin smiled softly, "He is Donghyuck. Also please dont act like you and Taeyong dont already act like a married couple ! Just - do it hyung !"  
  
Mark did not change the blank look on his face.  
  
Was he ready ?   
  
Ready to tell Taeyong that he was ready ? Ready to break his bestfriend's heart ?  
  
"Just do it ..." Jaemin held his hands, Mark ended up wrapping his arms around the boy.  
  
How complicated everything was.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Travelling was something you would actually like but Mark was too tired of his life to do so. 2018 was being hectic and he did not even know how he felt anymore. Last thing he could remember was him being in Ukraine - shooting with NCT U, trying is best to look okay because he was not.  
  
Ukraine was pretty. Pleasingly cold, nice looking sights around them. But Mark could not enjoy the weather or the sights, all he wanted to was to get done with the shooting and sleep somewhere.  
  
"Its soooo cold !" Yukhei used a baby voice to describe the area and innocently smiled as Mark's eyes fell on him. They were of the same age but he constantly reminded that Mark was too mature for their age. Thats what happens when you are Mark Lee.  
  
"I wanna make ice balls !"  
  
"You'll catch a cold ..."  
  
"No I wont. Watch me !"  
  
Yukhei and a soft looking hyung named Jungwoo joined them for the song, two of the new members and Mark kind of liked how adorable both of them were. Especially baby voiced Yukhei who looked way mature on screen.  
  
Changes were better.  
  
Mark was walking around with Yukhei while waiting for the others to come. Coming with the managers saved their time and the other cars were way behind.  
  
"Mark ! Watch Out !"  
  
Yukhei tried to throw an ice ball towards him and offered an innocent smile again. Mark moved out and that was when he saw the car which had the other members.  
  
"Mark Lee ? Are you playing with ice balls ?" Doyoung asked as soon as he down, with a gasping look was okay anyone would tease Mark if he was being - normal.  
  
"No. Robots dont play with ice balls. I was playing alone !"  
  
"Well dont expect anything from him .... he does not know how it is like to be normal." Taeyong included himself, sending a look towards Mark which the younger definitely ignored.  
  
"Fine ! Let me go find Jungwoo hyung."  
  
Yukhei stepped back and just then was lightly scolded by the managers as okay he really was being a bit tough to manage and the members had to check in. Yukhei entered the hotel lobby with a sad look on his face, clinging onto Sicheng. The area was nicely decorated and managed their keys within minutes as Taeyong volunteered to help. Mark did not see any reason for him to help but it was all cleared when he got to know him and Taeyong were in the same room.  
  
"Looks so comfy ...." The older commented when they were in and the room actually looked comfy and nice, Mark with an exhausted face did not fit well. He was utterly tensed at the same time, as he had to share a room with Taeyong. He couldnt even talk straight when Taeyong was around him after that very night when ... okay he should just be okay.  
  
"Mark - come here !" The older called for him who was standing in front of the large glass window of the room, and without any warning he turned the lights off as soon as Mark stood beside him.  
  
And the view in front of them was one of the beautiful most sights Mark ever saw.  
  
The room was on 19th floor and in front of them Evening was coming down on the city, turning on small small lights creating the beautiful most purple in the sky.  
  
"Its so pretty ...."  
  
"Yes you are."  
  
Mark's eyes got back on Taeyong, looking even more beautiful with his red hair kind shining in the evening light and the sight was so overwhelming that Mark forgot breathing.  
  
That was the very moment his inner self said that he was ready to be ready.  
  
Mark Leaned in and softly pressed his lips on Taeyong's.  
  
It happened as if nothing happened. As if it was some gesture they practiced every now and then. As if they knew it would be happening. Taeyong's lips tasted of sweet cherries and the older kissed him back as if he was carefully touching something too precious. The moment lasted for some seconds only but it seemed like forever.  
  
"Hyung, Im in love with you."  
  
Mark made sure Taeyong hear him out loud, he was ready to let go of these words. He was ready to make sure Taeyong knew he was ready to step into something heavenly with the older. And it felt so right  
  
Taeyong softly smiled, wrapping his arms around younger, a little too tightly.  
  
Life itself was heavenly.


	7. Being

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay Im back again !

Mark was not ready to walk into something like Yuta and Sicheng holding hands, having some serious looking conversation. All he remembered was some of their managers calling him to the central office all of a sudden and then after around 15 minutes, he got to know he was about to be removed from the dream unit. It really wasnt a sudden thing, from the very beginning he knew August 2018 was the time he wasnt waiting for - even if his life was too cruel he did not want to leave, it pained him. Walking back to the lounge took some long minutes and Mark tried his best not to cry, Yuta and Sicheng serious looking conversation kind of destructed him.  
  
He could say they were not okay.  
  
Sicheng never showed any gestures even if they got together long ago but he was caressing Yuta's cheeks, an apologetic smile on his face, Mark sat on the other side of them room so they have their space but maybe they didnt need that.  
  
"Why do they have to be like this ?" Yuta used his usual tone but he sounded broken - Mark leaned back and suddenly understood the situation.  
  
Sicheng was leaving.  
  
He knew management was bringing the changes - Mark leaving the dream unit, Jungwoo joining 127, Sicheng along with some other Chinese members leaving to promote in China with a brand new unit. He just absorbed the news, not predicting the situations afterwards. Or maybe he was too busy with his own emotions. He was sure he was gonna cry out loud.  
  
"We can always talk right ? Besides we still have some months left ..." Sicheng tried to come up with some words  
  
"Im sorry but after some months you're leaving and we dont know when you're coming back and we may not see each other for months, years .." Yuta's broken voice pained Mark more, his eyes got blurred as he closed them befor Sicheng embracing Yuta probably with all the love the male had inside him.  
  
Why was their bright life so dark inside at times ?  
  
Mark moved back as he really wanted to give the two some time alone. Sicheng was someone he adored from deep down his heart but all it mattered was Yuta and him. He could not imagine not seeing them together around - Yuta's sudden kisses and Sicheng's sudden blushes, them having animation nights Mark often got into, Them having the cutest giggles together, them being one of the adorable most couple.  
  
And what about him and the dreamies ?  
  
He could not imagine that too. Dream was his home, somewhere he felt needed. How would he handle it ? Being the ever strong Mark Lee was ? Or being the ever loving hyung he was ? Was handling that even possible ?  
  
"Hey Mark !" He heard Doyoung out of nowhere, he looked up and saw he was standing in front of the 127 dorm already.  
  
"You dont look okay .." He walked upto him and touched his forehead, giving him a smile, "Anything happened ?"  
  
"Hyung do you know where Taeyong hyung is ?"  
  
"Yes, find him inside he probably is sleeping. Here me and Jaehyun are doing all the chores ... I hate day offs !"  
  
He hated day offs as well. At least if it wasnt a day off he could forget everything and just live is performer life. Was he being too emotional ? Maybe. Joining the group he knew changes were about to come every now and then as the concept itself was like that, but he was not strong enough to pretend nothing happens to him.  
  
Mark waved a small smile and left him behind, his eyes searching for Taeyong as no one else could help him. He saw Johnny and Jungwoo in Johnny's room, probably the preparations of Jungwoo moving in. He kept his eyes down, got inside Taeyong's room, locked the door and got inside his comforter.  
  
"Hey - what - Mark .." Taeyong moved back as Mark did not have any space to lay down, the older having his arms around him immediately. He thought it was just a sudden urge to be close, Mark often got inside to sleep with him out of nowhere but soon Taeyong could notice the male was shivering.  
  
"Mark ?" Taeyong softly called him, giving him the time he needed. Mark was probably tearing up and it broke his heart.  
  
"Mark, Im here hmm ? Is okay come here -" Taeyong faced his wet eyes and hugged him closer, taking in the younger's very familiar scent. He could actually guess what was that all for so he didnt ask anything. He did not want to even confirm anything.  
  
"Im fine ..." Mark managed the small sentence after some minutes, moving back and giving the older a smile. He tried.  
  
Taeyong was his home, he should be fine. Mark moved closer thinking what if someday Taeyong is not with him, what if someday they be in different projects, how would he survive.  
  
"Of course you are. Now look what I have -" Taeyong decided not to push anything in. He knew Mark better than anyone around but dating him for a couple of months made him learn a lot more. He was more than glad to know them.  
  
"What is it, hyung ?" He moved closer, resting his head on Taeyong's shoulder. The older was showing him an opened file on his phone.  
  
"Its your graduation song's lyrics. The completed version."  
  
Mark took the device, a week ago he asked to write his feelings down for his graduation song, not knowing it was going to be used so soon. He scrolled over and saw Jeno, Jaemin and Jisung made the rest of the lyrics and it made him smile.  
  
"Look they wrote for me ..."  
  
"Its beautiful." Taeyong rested his head back on top of Mark.   
I believe that sometimes, when a reality is a dream, I worry about the seagull that always laughed for us. Even if we’re on the same boat, we are on a different ocean, But I will continue to always be the lighthouse you can rely on  
  
  
Mark could not help himself from hiding himself in Taeyong's arms again. He wanted to hide from the world that suddenly was looking too cruel.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
When Mark was done faced a mirror and looked up, he liked the change in his looks. For the new concept were they had to look like some emo rich kids he chose his dark hair back and decided to do a little more makeup, ending up looking completely different. He was okay with the look, he looked better. His previous look had a grandpa vibe, which was with the dreamies for one last time in that station song and he was back in his age again. Maybe be looked a bit more mature.  
  
The thought made him sigh. Not the thought of him looking mature, but the thought of being with the dreamies for one last time.  
  
It was a nice song to wrap up with. The boys enjoyed every moment with him and it looked like a happy ending, well not an ending, it was a happy kind of graduation. He was the one who got emotional around the time, the dreamies tried their best to look okay and Mark knew they were trying to help him and that was it.  
  
"You look hot how did you manage that look ?"  
  
The familiar language was heard and Johnny made Mark smile, he shook his head in disapproval and looked up in the mirror again.  
  
"How do you manage improving your looks in every comeback we have ?"  
  
"Come on Mark ... I look lame this time !"  
  
Taeil never liked Johnny wearing black, when Johnny liked black the most. Mark was sure that the reason behind Johnny disliking his looks was Taeil, the older would never like the emo look. It made him giggle a little. Everyone was in black black for their Regular mv.  
  
"You look great man .. No doubt !"  
  
Johnny flashed a smile and went to hug the younger, pushed himself off when Taeyong walked in a his hands were up.  
  
"Time to go I guess ..." Johnny gave Mark a look which did not make him response, but Taeyong guessed what he said and smiled a little. A very soft kind of smile which wasnt going with his tough look for the comeback, he still looked pretty beautiful and Mark kept staring. How could he do that like that ?  
  
"What ? I look okay right ?" Taeyong looked back at some mirror, touching his chin which Mark wanted to touch, ( which Mark always touched ) The gesture seemed really cute.  
  
"I dont look okay ? hmm ?"  
  
"You look nice. I like it."  
  
"Would you stop blushing ?"  
  
Taeyong moved closer while no one else was there, soon they were dangerously close while anyone could walk in.   
  
"Am I looking okay ? Mark ?"  
  
Mark looked up, eyes falling into the others.  
  
"You like teasing me right ?" He pushed the older back and moved back at the same moment, Taeyong pouted and Mark had to look back because oh well his cheeks were red and all and he never liked that.   
  
He couldn't help himself. He needed to help himself.  
  
Taeyong was his boyfriend and wasnt it the blushing most thing in the entire universe ?  
  
"Hyung ... dont do this to me."  
  
"Do what to you ?" There, him back again, being dangerously close again.   
  
"Do ... this"  
  
"Hmm ? Why ? I have all the rights now dont I ?" He moved even closer, Mark had to look into his eyes.  
  
One magical moment again, Taeyong slightly pressed his lips against his ones and within some seconds it was over - Mark had to look back once again.  
  
"Dont do this to me."   
  
"I like doing this to you."  
  
The song was playing outside, sound check and all which meant they were about to begin, but he didnt want to leave so soon even if he didnt want Taeyong to do that all. It pained him, pained him with happiness. Some pure kind of one which he never knew about.  
  
"Mark Lee, I love you so incredibly much. Old words hmm ? But I mean it." Taeyong carefully touched his cheeks, gave him a smile.  
  
How could life be like that ?


	8. Realizing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow - I come again after a long break .. lets see if we can do this

Some chilly morning of January and the hall was looking pale. For some reason everything was calm and quiet and the usual energy was missing. Maybe because they were tired, maybe because everyone was down for some reason minus Donghyuck who was practicing in front of the mirror alone. Mark lowered his head and messed his hair, not knowing what to do or how to feel because before every comeback he felt like he was going to die any time soon.  
  
Changes happened. Some changes were nice - like when the members got to know about him and Taeyong, like when Donghyuck cleared out that he was more than okay with that. Some changes disturbed him - when Sicheng along with Lucas and Kun went to China, when he was so out of the dream unit. But it was like nothing happened, they were fine in their robotic life where they had to keep moving.  
  
Mark leaned back, sighing a little, managing a small smile when Johnny and Taeil was in his sight doing something - they looked happy. It was a nice sight in front of him.   
  
Was he happy ? Yes he was. In some way. As long as Taeyong was there. As long as he could share the happiness with Taeyong.  
  
It wasnt easy. More like it was hard enough to get tired of it but somehow they make it happen and they were still together. They never got time for each other minus some nights and some practices and some schedules. Mark was okay with that, but Taeyong, somewhat wasnt.  
  
"There's an exchange offer !" The guy he was thinking about appeared in his sight and sat cross legged on the cold floor in front of him. Looking pretty without any touch of care.  
  
"Exchange offer ?"  
  
"Yes, a heart exchange offer. You give me yours, I give you mine, deal done." Taeyong giggled  
  
Another try of him to be cute around, Mark wanted to mention Taeyong already had his heart but all he managed to do was holding his hands, looking down.  
  
"Deal Markie ? Deal ?"  
  
Mark nodded. Taeyong held his hands back and something happened in the moment.  
  
He loved the boy so much.  
  
So much.  
  
"Whats happening here ?" The smooth voice came in between them and then Mark was looking up, meeting Yuta's gaze which soon turned into a couple of smiling eyes. He adore the smiling eyes.  
  
"Can I sit here Taeyong-ah ..."  
  
"Yeah sure" The moment was broken and Mark regretted that just like Taeyong, but the feelings where somehow still there which made Mark smile and Yuta gave him a look which visibly was of confusion. Everyone got confused when Mark smiled like that, almost no one noticed that kind of smiles came only when Taeyong was around him.  
  
He loved the boy so much.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
The comeback was of successes like every time, everything seemed better and better and Mark was thankful for that of course. The comeback resulted in their north America tour, it was change in their regular life and Mark wasnt complaining until all the practices started. Something he was so used to, but something he never liked in a way.  
  
And the days went by. Almost everyday they were moving, performing, shooting and then repeating. Endless boredom and tiredness but he was with the people he loved and admired, Taeyong helped him every night when they got some time together. How beautiful it was !  
  
"Mark ..." He did not hear the voice, "Hey Mark ... Mark !" Then he heard the voice  
  
He looked back and then Yuta was with him. With his usual smile, an arm hugging him by the side. A touch Mark adored, could calm him anytime.  
  
"What are you thinking ? You seem so lost ..."  
  
"No, nothing. Wondering when do we reach Atlanta. Who's city was that ?"  
  
"Doyoung's ... and for your kind information we already are in Atlanta !"  
  
The older smiled a little more as Jungwoo passed them by, he did hear what Mark said and the thing made him smile as well. Mark could really be so lost in his head sometimes. Was one of his forever complains.  
  
"Anyway, I wanted to let you know we're sharing rooms here. I wont let Tayong have you this time !"  
  
Mark managed a nod, and a smile as Yuta moved back. In every city he was making sure Taeyong ended up with him, not like he could not share room with others or anything but because spending nights with Taeyong was something close to his heart - and he could not say that out loud. Yuta would definitely be his second choice, as by the time for some reason they got really really close and Mark adored him but -  
  
"I heard you're sharing rooms with Yuta hyung ?" Well again you got lost Mark Lee  
  
"Yes ... he decided it right ?"  
  
Donghyuck chuckled, "Yes. Taeyong hyung is with me. If you need information on how he is what he is doing I can manage a help !"  
  
"Quit coming in with your help !"  
  
Donghyuck chuckled again. Being the only one who knew he did have advantages. The younger having feelings towards him long ago was something they both wanted to live with, they were bestfriends after all.  
  
But okay - what was Tayong's reaction ?  
  
Inside the bus he could only see Taeil and Jaehyun with Yuta, Donghyuck and him.   
  
"Where is he -"  
  
"Check in the back - he was talking to manager hyung."  
  
"Thanks haechan-ah .." He moved back  
  
And then when he found Taeyong, they were in the hotel lobby. The boy was sleeping earlier so Mark did not dare to wake him up, still he was looking sleepy sleepy and like always the look made his heart pain.  
  
"Its okay ... not like Yuta's gonna steal you from me.." Taeyong yawned as he replied, trying his hard to sound normal and Mark could read his voice. But He was right. Not like Yuta's gonna steal Mark from him.  
  
"Just make sure he does not kiss -"  
  
"Kiss ? Kiss who ?" Johnny popped in, then the conversation was over and soon Mark was in his shared room, showering while Yuta already fall asleep.  
  
Everything went smoothly and then he remembered Taeyong's pretending to sound normal. Not like after getting together Mark spent every night with him. He often was out often slept with others but for some days Yuta was a person who made Taeyong pretend ... For some reason he could say something was wrong.  
  
Life could be badly wrong.


	9. Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for staying with my story hmm ?

Mark closed his eyes and leaned back as soon as the he was in the car, silence covering them and somehow welcoming them back in Korea. By the time the country was like his true home, some other kind of happiness occured whenever he came back. Well, maybe because he knew for some days he was going to breath peacefully, it was always good in a way. However, this time he did not care, he could not care, coming in only brought back painful memories which he had been ignoring for months by then.   
  
It was not supposed to be like that, it was supposed to be like, as Taeil said - magical and mystical. Why would not it be, Mark had his life's greatest achievement after all. Promoting a world wide known group like NCT was a dream coming true, but being in the company's super group with some of the legendary idols was something beyond his dreams. He personally never considered himself much capable, when the news was out he guessed for Taeyong and Ten of course, highlighted members of NCT in both Korea and China - him and Lucas were unexpected. He was supposed to be happy, he was happy, but his personal life got ruined and he did not want to remember how it was.  
  
The car started to move, Mark opened his eyes once, eying Taeyong beside him, doing something on his phone - his vision got blurred and when he closed his eyes again a evening's view was in front of him.  
  
He was in his room, laid down as he was feeling tired like always, Taeyong resting his head on his chest. The view was familiar, yet somewhat not. They were close, yet somewhat not. Not after what Taeyong closing the door between them.  
  
_"You seem to be happy with him ..."  
  
"I'm happier with you ..."  
  
"He ... kissed you Mark."_  
  
The words were painful and true. The night Yuta explained how things changed for him after Sicheng was gone, knowing Mark's heart and soul belonged to Taeyong and Taeyong only - was the night Mark went to him, held his hands and decided to tell him everything that happened so he stays true. His hopes of being accepted as Taeyong always did was shuttered when the older closed the door for him.  
  
_"I can only be yours ..."  
  
"I think we should take a break hmm ? Maybe we need some time."_  
  
They took their time  
  
They took their time and soon got to know they were the selected ones. Mark bitterly smiled hearing the news, he was happy but the reason almost was him being distracted. Foreign tours caused him extra work, then the super group was supposed to be all foreign based.   
  
He managed to ignore everything for months. Nothing happened.  
  
His work was always a nice way to ignore everything.  
  
The car pulled up and Mark realised he could not see things as the day was too bright for someone who's been keeping his eyes closed. He almost collapsed while getting down and Taeyong offered him a hand with a light smile.  
  
"Be careful hmm ?"  
  
"Don't have to be. You are always there to protect me hyung."  
  
"Hmm ... maybe. Now shall we go in ?"  
  
So easy. So easy when they were only a couple of members of a group. Taeyong as a hyung, Mark who could always lean on him. Mark wondered if there was ever something between them, whenever Taeyong being Taeyong said nothing and showed nothing. It was okay, Mark was scared of dealing with his own emotions anyway. He was okay. Was he ?  
  
"Yes ... let's go in." He followed the older, no matter what Taeyong always was the caring hyung he was. But as he always way more than that, Mark got used to the more.  
  
How breaking life can be  
  


  
  
  
Breaks were something none of them were known of. Knowing 127's comeback coming in later 2020 and not having any work with any other unit was something very rare for Mark, he liked it and at the same time he did not like it as when his head was blank thoughts came in and ruined his stability. You could not be alone when you're living with eight other people wondering around the place you live, but Mark stayed in and locked himself up whenever he could.  
  
He laid down on his bed on a cold December evening, knowing christmas was close and he would do nothing once again. Mark believed in happiness, in events but he always was too tired for that ( or too dumb for that as Jungwoo would say, or maybe too not of use as he messed up in whatever chores he did and Jungwoo had to clean it all later ) - Mark looked up and his eyes fell on a purple sky, pretty and reserved.  
  
"May I come in ... ?"  
  
The voice was of Yuta's - one of the only ones who would come to see what he exactly was doing. The Japanese sat beside his smaller figure, resting his hand on top of Mark and then he was playing with Mark's hair.  
  
"You seem so sad nowadays... why do you ?"  
  
"I do watch your animation with you why are you complaining ?"  
  
Yuta smiled, his smiled seemed too bright for the dark cold evening. Mark looked away, leaning towards the older male. They were so close even if they had so many complications - both of them knew Yuta liked Mark, both of them knew Mark did not like Yuta back, still they had no problem in opening the doors for each other when the person Mark liked always kept the door shut.  
  
"I need some time by myself hyung." Mark replied in a small voice, "I really need some time by myself."  
  
Yuta smiled again, more like knowing how exactly Mark was feeling. Mark never told him how the male was a reason behind the biggest heartbreak in his life, just because of those genuine smiles and Yuta's genuine friendship towards him. He was always there - unlike donghyuck or Jungwoo who were his best friends, unlike Johnny or Jaehyun who were the caring most hyungs, unlike Taeyong whom Mark - loved.   
  
"I'll go make some evening tea ... you want some ?"  
  
"No, think you hyung."  
  
Then silence covered him again. He was not clear how he was feeling, lately he did not show any signs of being down so nobody noticed minus Yuta, was he down or was his feelings were being too blank ?  
  
"Mark ?"   
  
Mark probably imagined the voice, so not expected. His eyes were open within a second and he sat back, eyes on a messy haired Taeyong in one of his oversized tees with a face paler than usual. The boy called for Mark but he did not say anything after that, stood there by the door as if there was a thick wall between them. They weren't together for months but Mark never felt like that. More like he was facing the whole thing for the first time.  
  
"Hyung ...."  
  
"Umm ... are you okay ? Ive been noticing you lock yourself whenever you can."   
  
His voice was so light, almost as if he was whispering. Whispering in his ears like he used to do when Mark came in Korea, when Mark was was messed up within everything - but then he wasn't so far away.   
  
"Hyung ...." Mark looked away, not even in the night when Taeyong pushed him back he teared up, he was too blank in his head. Then he did not want to face anything, he was forcefully being blank in his head. Maybe that's why he could not hold his tears back at the moment. His shaky voice calling for the older in need.  
  
Taeyong could see him crying as Mark looked up.  
  
"Hyung I need you ... please ..." He looked back again  
  
As if the moment stopped, Taeyong's pale face had a look which Mark could not read. The older was supposed to come, he came, but after some long minutes of silence. He sat beside Mark, looking down as his pale face looked even paler.  
  
"You should not cry for me like this .... I dont deserve it."  
  
Mark almost could not hear his low voice.  
  
"Yes, look what I did to you. I promised I'll always be there for you, when I wasnt there for you when you needed me the most because of ... of me being the messed up most person ever."  
  
Mark looked up, the older saw his tears and did not wipe them off.  
  
"What do I do if I'm like that ? When it's me, everyone assumes it's anyone else but me. I be possessive, and cannot see you in anyone else's arms. My messed up self could not have patience or understand you can have friends or close ones like I do as well. It's because I'm so in love with you Mark and I'm so afraid of losing you as you're so much loved by everyone else ..."  
  
The moment stopped again, snow slowly covering the outside world and Mark was feeling cold. Not for the snow of course.  
  
"Hyung no matter how much I love others, like my time with others, or no matter how other people like me - you should know you always are my special."  
  
"I'm sorry ...."  
  
"You should be ... You pained my heart."  
  
Taeyong wipes his own tears.  
  
Evening lights' glowed on his face.  
  
"And because of that I got to know how much I love you ... I love you so much for you to lose me hyung. No matter how things are, we should know we are for each other and for each other only."  
  
Taeyong looked up, not saying anything.  
  
How life can be so right.


	10. Changing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally

Evenings could always make you pause, could make you wait, could help you in relaxing. Most never noticed the impact, Mark did, but he had no time for admiring his thoughts. He practically grew up in a life where he noticed nothing and he was used to that by the time. He moved back his head, tried to deal with the small pain there.  
  
The pain was familiar. Breathing in he looked up at his reflection, he looked pale and pained, someone wanting to stand up again as soon as he could. Mark leaned back by the grey wall of the new practice room they were using, the wall was cold just like he was feeling inside. It was late January, a month before their comeback which asked for more and more work and pain. Everyday life of his and of people who were into this.  
  
Times like that always made him weak.    
  
Taeyong called, he could never understand how the boy had such passion and energy, one of the reasons behind him being him. Others answered as they formed in, Mark ignored the pain, breathed in again, decided to push his limits as he always did. The music covered the room having beats turning into their steps, reflections swiftly moving in the wall mirror. Everything was in their place, but before anything Mark could see his reflection collapsed.  
  
Before anything he saw darkness covering him.   
  
When he opened his eyes again, he could still see evening through the window of his room.   
  
"are you okay ?" - Mark closed his eyes, more like he could not keep them open. The pain in his head probably dexided to stay for long and all he wanted was to go back in the darkness.  
  
"Mark, are you okay ?" He heard someone else, Jungwoo, and earlier it was Donghyuck.  
  
"Im okay ..." He smiled a little, realising he probably messed up the whole practice and probably made everyone worry.  
  
"You clearly are not dumb child ! Look at you !" Jungwoo could actually get mad if he was worried, Mark decided not to argue as he was in pain and he did not want to stop anyone. Lately he hasnt been taking care of himself, well he never took care of himself while being busy - when he had no right to mess anything up.  
  
"No, I really am okay ... only this dizziness... I should be better if I rest." He covered up, in a tone he always used whenever a situation like that came up. He could feel it was a little more serious, he wasnt feeling well when the comeback was not even a month near. Mark shook his head a little.   
  
"He is making things up. He is not alright." Donghyuck added, the line supposed to be said for Jungwoo but his eyes did not move from Mark's figure. Mark could sense he was being a mess. He could never hide anything from Donghyuck could he? He looked up, Donghyuck was calm unlike his usual presence.  
  
"You should be more careful you know."  
  
"Ill be careful."  
  
"You never will ..." Donghyuck pulled him in a hug, somewhere inside Mark could sense the familiar comfort. No matter how thing were, Donghyuck always was his home in times like when ... Taeyong did not came.  


  
  
  
More like, Taeyong never came.   
  
The words like boyfriends or breakups were never used between them, you dont need to prove you love someone by always reminding yourself anyway. Their lives were speedy enough, their moments were intimate enough. They were in love, still are in love, but something was being missing. Growing up in a speedy life of an idol Mark always got the love and comfort he needed from Taeyong, slowly realising he could be okay without it as well. They were close, yet so far away as their lives mostly were on cameras.  
  
Mark decided he would never ask for anything, Taeyong naturally was a perfect for him. The older loved him, he loved him back, they still kissed when they had to stay up all night in the studios making songs and tunes for the group to proceed with. Taeyong knew Mark belonged to him, no words were needed.  
  
Then slowly life was changing.  
  
Being more mature spaces were created. Taeyong never came leaving everyone behind in times when Mark collapsed, Mark never wondered were he was when he spent his days inside his room being all tired. More like it was being normal, they were okay.  
  
Mark needed him like before, maybe he did as well.  
  
"We need something harder with these words ..." Taeyong leaned back on his chair, with a small smile saying he liked the track the companh producers made, "More like I can see us having a hard choreography on here. We need something harder for the dance break."  
  
Mark blinked his eyes once, sleepy from a long day.   
  
"The repackage album isnt looking like a repackage album. We need more tracks. Maybe I'd suggest some of ours should I ?"  
  
"Yes .. hyung."  
  
"What's with your voice ?" The older looked back, Mark was sitting on the couch behind him, he was sure he looked dead - so did Taeyong but he had some other kind of hope. He always had that glow on being passionate for whatever he was doing.  
  
"Tired I guess ..."

"Well then you go get some sleep. We dont have morning practice so yeah ... goodnight." He turned his back, taking on the headphones again. Nothing else. That's how it was.   
  
Maybe it was normal after being so close for so long.   
  
Mark did not like life's changes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for staying with my story !
> 
> This work was translated in Thai by KeiOne and the link is given below !
> 
> ( https://bit.ly/3aSfPT1 )


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